If I think back to 10 years ago, I would have never believed that this is where I'd be now--married, house, baby... I remember back at MassArt in '94 I took a class where the teacher had us write a letter to ourselves freshman year (which we'd get back on the last day of class senior year) where we had to predict where we'd be in 5 years time. I think I wrote something along the lines of, "getting started in my own studio and creating art full time." How far off was I? Hmm....I was about 50% off. I did get my own studio in South Boston and I was creating art, but was I doing it full time? No. Financially that would've been impossible, unless I was amazingly talented and was discovered right away, or if I was independently wealthy with a trust fund or something to play with. I did make art as close to full time as I possibly could, enjoying every minute of it and really dedicating myself to it. The feedback was positive and I was driven. I kept up with photographing slides (at the time there was no digital photography handy) and I maintained my artist's statement. On my desk I had a sample "gallery packet" to someday have a professional successful artist to look over for me, which would then be used as a template for the real thing. There was no stopping me! Except......
A few years later I broke the lease on the studio due to a few break-ins and retreated to my mother's basement where I developed a different attitude. The motivation dissipated completely. It was cold and damp down there and I was lonely. Keeping up with the slides was getting expensive and I didn't like anything I was producing. I then developed an artist's block that I haven't been able to shake in 10 years. I couldn't get inspired to make the art that I thought was worth showing or that others would appreciate. I thought that everything I learned could no longer be applied to my style or medium. I couldn't make ceramic sculpture anymore because I didn't have a kiln to fire in. I tried oil painting, but didn't have the constructive criticism I needed to keep going as this was still an unfamiliar medium to me. I tried more mixed-media works but I would give up on a piece before I even developed a concept. The excuses just kept piling up and so did the crap in my mother's basement.
Then one day I had a brilliant idea--to go back to school! I could use my art degree and sculpting talent towards gaining a certificate in jewelry making and repair! What an idea! Well, not really. It would have been a great idea if I had the mindset like a few of my classmates; that is starting my own business or freelancing as a jeweler...however it didn't come that easy for me. School put me in massive debt and though I thoroughly enjoyed making jewelry and working with metal again, I was broke and stumped when I got out of school. Working at the jewelry store was fun for a while (when I was actually repairing and creating pieces), but then the reality of my hatred for retail set in as well as my hatred for being a manager over others. Also when I got home from work, the last thing I wanted to do was sit, with my brain sucked dry, at my jewelry bench and tinker on pieces I couldn't complete because I didn't have a torch or the oomph to get cranking. More excuses....
When we bought the house the plan was to have the unfinished side of the basement as my studio. I was ready for "Danielle's Renaissance" of 2009! I had one wall for an art studio and the opposite wall for jewelry making. This was going to be great! Now when people were to ask, "Danielle, you make jewelry, right?" I would be able to say, "I don't have a torch, so I'm limited as to what I can make, but yes I do!". Or, if people brought up my making art, "Have you been making sculpture again or doing any paintings?", I could say, "Yes! I am SO inspired! I have been creating some amazing mixed-media pieces these days as well as some painting! You must come see my studio and critique my work!". Guess what folks? This never happened. Granted, there were a few pieces here and there that I have made for some folks as gifts, but to actually invest time and sweat into something I would consider "art"--that hasn't happened.
I think the main reason why I develop so many excuses is because I'm intimidated. Kind of like what writers go through after having their first novel make it to the best seller list and they are commissioned to come up with a second novel....there's a lot of pressure to top that first successful book. I mean, I haven't created any art that would be considered "best" that needs a better follow-up, but I am putting a lot of "false" pressure on myself when it comes to creating anything nowadays. This is mainly because I'm intimidated by that old love and blood equity that I invested into that work. I feel like it's something I can never relive. I'm not sure why. It's really hard to explain, but I find that a blank canvas (be it a page in a sketchbook, a sheet of silver, or a literal canvas) is the most daunting thing in the world. My sculptural inspiration and concept back in college and for a short time thereafter was death. After having witnessed my grandfather's death as a sophomore, I drowned myself in everything and anything that had to do with death (without getting all goth about it). I researched every aspect of death and created pieces that referenced what I learned. It was pretty morbid but it was exactly what I needed at the time. After creating all of these pieces over a period of 3 or 4 years, I got tapped out on the death theme. Also, I heard comments from people post-college that the subject of death was such a cliched subject of students' work and that it was so over-worked. Hearing this soured my attitude and weakened my spirits, hence the intimidation factor because I couldn't think of myself making art about anything else. What was there that I needed to express now? I know I shouldn't let comments like that dictate my passions in any way, but they did and somehow still do. I'm blocked thanks to all of this. I have no idea where or how to start back up again.
I guess, too, that I'm envious of the college friends that have succeeded as artists and that also contributes to my being intimidated. I know I'll never be the same type of artists that they are or even feel like I can consider myself an artist compared to them. I'm envious of the ones that have the gusto to dive in head first and not care about what people think or how they'll pay their rent. I'm envious of the ones that have the self-promotional skills required to make themselves known in the art world and the time to spend in the studio to live up to their dreams. I'm envious of the ones that have all of the tools and supplies that they need to fulfill orders or to complete a commissioned work. I'm envious of the ones that receive checks for more than the asked price on the wall. I'm envious of the artists that have unlimited drive and passion to create anything that their bodies and brains are telling them to express. Why can't I have any of that? I guess it all comes down to my being lazy. My laziness prohibits me from being able to attain any of the above. My being a huge sloth is putting a damper on my dreams that I've had since I was a little girl. How can I fix this attitude and become an artist again? How can I become inspired? Where the hell do I start? Is there a way to avoid feeling like all of my work is lame and that it's expressing a valuable message other than a cliche?
I think that this blog will be a new letter to myself to outline the blueprint of the upcoming 10 years. Once the basement gets cleaned out and reorganized to the way it was before the baby, I will brainstorm. I will let the pencil scribble and scratch without my controlling it and I have faith something will snowball into an impeccable body of work. Who cares if your ideas are cliche, Danielle? They shouldn't be ideas, anyway. The work should be expressions from within that are a necessity to get out onto that canvas. They will be because I won't be lazy or intimidated about it any longer. I'll let my emotions call the shots and I won't let anything hang over my head. I'll have a new Danielle Renaissance and maybe I'll sell a piece or two because digital photography and the internet will make it easier to put myself out there. Who knows, maybe my dreams from when I was a little girl WILL come true--I just have to stay positive and forget about everyone else. "10 years from now I will be the artist I've always wanted to be, because I have a lot to express--it just took a while."
